literature

sorry

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mittensandpoppy's avatar
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Literature Text

if there was a way for me to trade everything in, all the seconds that i wasted breathing, wasted hurting, myself, others, everyone around me, if there was a way for me to reverse everything i have said and done, then i would. i would give my time, my life, away to someone else. someone who deserves it. someone who wants it. life is just too hard for someone like me. i fight silent wars in my head daily. i fight to keep myself alive. to keep motivated. to keep smiling. to keep pretending like inside i am not having this fight at all. it is fucking exhausting. it is tiring. it is frustrating, when i cannot fight anymore and it takes over. when i tries to destroy everything i want and care and love. when it pushes me into a lonely corner in the dark where no one can find me or hear me or reach me. when my head pushes and pushes my feet to the edge every single fucking day and makes me ask why i hold on? the people around me do not need this. they do not need me. i am a waste of time and space. i am sick of infecting everyone with misery and pain. i am good for nothing. i can barely get myself out of bed every morning. i can barely force myself to shower and get dressed. i want to just sleep all the time. there are so many people out there dying. people who should still be here. families torn apart from the death of a person who deserved to have more time. and yet here i am. wishing to be dead. wishing to be free from my cursed mind. i am a tortured soul. a physical punch bag. a person who is treated like shit. walked all over. someone who is broken and a mess. a person who is sensitive to stupid fucking shit and is triggered over nothing. the smallest things set me on edge. this is no way to live. i am sick of hurting everyone. i am sick of myself. i hate everything i am. everything i say. everything i do. i legit want to run away. disappear. vanish into nothing. fade until i am forgotten. because how much more selfish can i be? dragging people along with my suffering. i am sick. i cannot be cured. i will hurt everyone around me until they hurt themselves. i cannot do it. anymore. i need to stop being so fucking selfish and cut ties and let everyone go. the less people around me the better. i do not want the shame and guilt and blame anymore. i tear myself up inside over how much i cause pain to others. i hurt others more than my stupid self. i could say sorry for the rest of my life but nothing will change the damage i have caused. nothing can erase the scars or dry the river of tears. i am destruction. i am pain. i am a fucking ruin. i deserve all of this. i do not even care. not anymore. i am to live a life alone. i am to exist this way until i die. not talking. not opening up. it only does more damage. i need to free everyone from the terror and horror i am. i am revolting. i am disgusting. i am fucking stupid and pathetic. dumb and ridicous.

i want everyone to know i am sorry. truly i am. i have been the worst person alive. i didnt deserve to ever live. everything would be easier if i didn't. i am sorry. to everyone. to one particular. nothing can fix what i have done. what my head has done. what it continues to do despite my fights. i am sick of myself. i am sick of this life. i want to be normal. i do not want to be needy and depressed and sad and clingy and pathetic anymore. i am sorry for bothering and burdening. i wish you never met me because your life would be so much better. i have dragged it down so much. i am sorry. i can never take that back.

i am sorry.
© 2016 - 2024 mittensandpoppy
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Zeropointcomics's avatar
you know I might just be some idiot from america who hasn't written you in a while (I am so sorry I haven't kept in touch) but there isn't a way in hell you are even the slightest bit as bad as you think.

Berry, the fact that you'd give your time to someone less fortunate is proof of that and if your response to that is that I don't know you well enough to say then I'd like to get to know you so I can prove it.

You haven't lost yet, so please, for the love of whatever you hold sacred, don't give up. Just let me know if you need someone to talk to or whatever I can do, okay? You're not a burden you're a person with a heart big enough to see the world as it is and be torn by it. You're a good person and you are not alone.

Please, even if, IF, there is something to any of what you say about yourself you have the right to live, everybody does.

I want to be your ill mannered american friend so please, if no one else around is letting you or is too busy lean on me. Nobody is a burden because they need help, and that includes you.

Be my friend? 

-Zero